Last night was the last night in a very troubled weekend. I won't get into all that here, but I will say that it happens occasionally that life seems to flush me right down and out. Yes, I know that sounds more than a little self-pitying. Regardless, it's hard for a lot of people to remain positive when the negative is so loud. But it doesn't take much. For example, I have a tiny little 3 year old 40 pound miracle living in my house that, while many times is a challenge, does also sometimes reward me with pearls of glowing wisdom just when I need it. My kid has been known to lay a gentle hand on my cheek and say something profound just when I had forgotten profound happens. Last night she was sitting with me and her dad on the couch and pretending to be our doctor. She diagnosed David first, placing a light-up pen against his arm and proclaiming that she knew what he needed to feel better. "You need to live for mommy and for me." is what she said. And to me, after pressing the pen to my forehead, she looked in my eyes and held my face and said, "I know what you need to feel better. You need to live hard...and love people." I have been thinking about this all day. Live hard. Love people. She was not privy to the conversations her dad and I had been having earlier, or to the moment I spent on the front porch alone, talking to the memory of my father, but this felt very much like an answer to unasked questions. Live hard. Love people. It's simple, but it's everything. She's a good egg, that one. I got up this morning feeling energized, feeling awake and alive, feeling ready. I jump in with both feet, with my eyes open, with my arms outstretched. I declare 2011 the Year of Living Hard and Loving People. What about you?
xoxo
Laurelin
Monday, December 27, 2010
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Positively Charged
Yes, it has been a while. I think I'm settling back in piece by piece and finding my way back to myself. So here we are again, and the year is nearly over. The natural inclination is of course to revisit, reminisce, rewind and remember. But I think it's also about assessing where your feet are planted now, and what direction they're pointing. Not only should we ask, "Where have I come from, what have I done?" but "Where am I and what do I want?". These questions may be of even greater importance.
It's easy for me to say that this has been an incredible year of successes, and just as easy to say I have disappointed every expectation. So how should I decide? In which direction should I point my toes? Well, I suppose that depends on whether or not I am motivated by a resentment for things not accomplished or encouraged by a solid string of minor successes, and the possibility for more. I don't exactly trust either of those options. I am not convinced my first five months of freedom were a waste since production is at an all time high. I am also not convinced that I've actually accomplished anything since I am broke and unknown. So what I have come up with is that I am right where I should be, and sitting here with my eyes open, and that is all. I can't worry about what comes next, only prepare to be there to meet it. My point is that all the time I spend thinking about this life path just bounces me from disillusionment to bolstering and back and forth again. It is exhausting. I don't blame anyone for getting tired on this road. So instead of the ricochet danse macabre tugging me slowly toward crazytown, instead of keeping my head on a swivel from backward to forward and back again, I am just going to look down. I'm going to look at my feet and know they're still planted beneath me. I can't say what's been, because memory shifts reality, and I can't say what's coming because I can make no map for a road lost in a fog bank. Who knows what happens up ahead?
What I can hope for is that I stay here, inside my self looking out through these eyes and translating experiences to thoughts with this mind. For example, music is the voice of life. I love music. I love to draw, and I love to paint and I love to write and I love to love. Love feeds on love too, you know. So I chose, at the end of 2010, to be a positive. I choose to let life be life and find a way to be happy I can record it. I might get it a little twisted, a little crooked on the paper or canvas, but I am here to record it. I think I'm going to do what I can and let the rest go. It's too heavy.
Jealousy is an ugly, diseased thing. It doesn't even work for kindling. It just smolders there and smokes up your vision. Better to feed my fire with trees lovingly sown and long cultivated in fertile soil. I feel a peace setting in with the waning year, like I have my hand on the right rope now. I feel like I can trust it to pull me down an often foggy road to where things are suddenly, perfectly, clear.
Happy endings, happy beginnings. Congratulations! You get to be a child of the universe.
Peace. Bliss.
Laurelin
It's easy for me to say that this has been an incredible year of successes, and just as easy to say I have disappointed every expectation. So how should I decide? In which direction should I point my toes? Well, I suppose that depends on whether or not I am motivated by a resentment for things not accomplished or encouraged by a solid string of minor successes, and the possibility for more. I don't exactly trust either of those options. I am not convinced my first five months of freedom were a waste since production is at an all time high. I am also not convinced that I've actually accomplished anything since I am broke and unknown. So what I have come up with is that I am right where I should be, and sitting here with my eyes open, and that is all. I can't worry about what comes next, only prepare to be there to meet it. My point is that all the time I spend thinking about this life path just bounces me from disillusionment to bolstering and back and forth again. It is exhausting. I don't blame anyone for getting tired on this road. So instead of the ricochet danse macabre tugging me slowly toward crazytown, instead of keeping my head on a swivel from backward to forward and back again, I am just going to look down. I'm going to look at my feet and know they're still planted beneath me. I can't say what's been, because memory shifts reality, and I can't say what's coming because I can make no map for a road lost in a fog bank. Who knows what happens up ahead?
What I can hope for is that I stay here, inside my self looking out through these eyes and translating experiences to thoughts with this mind. For example, music is the voice of life. I love music. I love to draw, and I love to paint and I love to write and I love to love. Love feeds on love too, you know. So I chose, at the end of 2010, to be a positive. I choose to let life be life and find a way to be happy I can record it. I might get it a little twisted, a little crooked on the paper or canvas, but I am here to record it. I think I'm going to do what I can and let the rest go. It's too heavy.
Jealousy is an ugly, diseased thing. It doesn't even work for kindling. It just smolders there and smokes up your vision. Better to feed my fire with trees lovingly sown and long cultivated in fertile soil. I feel a peace setting in with the waning year, like I have my hand on the right rope now. I feel like I can trust it to pull me down an often foggy road to where things are suddenly, perfectly, clear.
Happy endings, happy beginnings. Congratulations! You get to be a child of the universe.
Peace. Bliss.
Laurelin
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