Positively Charged

Yes, it has been a while. I think I'm settling back in piece by piece and finding my way back to myself. So here we are again, and the year is nearly over. The natural inclination is of course to revisit, reminisce, rewind and remember. But I think it's also about assessing where your feet are planted now, and what direction they're pointing. Not only should we ask, "Where have I come from, what have I done?" but "Where am I and what do I want?". These questions may be of even greater importance.

It's easy for me to say that this has been an incredible year of successes, and just as easy to say I have disappointed every expectation. So how should I decide? In which direction should I point my toes? Well, I suppose that depends on whether or not I am motivated by a resentment for things not accomplished or encouraged by a solid string of minor successes, and the possibility for more. I don't exactly trust either of those options. I am not convinced my first five months of freedom were a waste since production is at an all time high. I am also not convinced that I've actually accomplished anything since I am broke and unknown. So what I have come up with is that I am right where I should be, and sitting here with my eyes open, and that is all. I can't worry about what comes next, only prepare to be there to meet it. My point is that all the time I spend thinking about this life path just bounces me from disillusionment to bolstering and back and forth again. It is exhausting. I don't blame anyone for getting tired on this road. So instead of the ricochet danse macabre tugging me slowly toward crazytown, instead of keeping my head on a swivel from backward to forward and back again, I am just going to look down. I'm going to look at my feet and know they're still planted beneath me. I can't say what's been, because memory shifts reality, and I can't say what's coming because I can make no map for a road lost in a fog bank. Who knows what happens up ahead?

What I can hope for is that I stay here, inside my self looking out through these eyes and translating experiences to thoughts with this mind. For example, music is the voice of life. I love music. I love to draw, and I love to paint and I love to write and I love to love. Love feeds on love too, you know. So I chose, at the end of 2010, to be a positive. I choose to let life be life and find a way to be happy I can record it. I might get it a little twisted, a little crooked on the paper or canvas, but I am here to record it. I think I'm going to do what I can and let the rest go. It's too heavy.

Jealousy is an ugly, diseased thing. It doesn't even work for kindling. It just smolders there and smokes up your vision. Better to feed my fire with trees lovingly sown and long cultivated in fertile soil. I feel a peace setting in with the waning year, like I have my hand on the right rope now. I feel like I can trust it to pull me down an often foggy road to where things are suddenly, perfectly, clear.

Happy endings, happy beginnings. Congratulations! You get to be a child of the universe.

Peace. Bliss.
Laurelin